


We'll Love You, Always

by NikAdair



Series: You're My Forever Loves [19]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Slight Anxiety, akaashi has a worse day than usual, akaashi is reminded just how loved he is, bokuakakuroken, college students, comforting kuroo, kuroo is there to help him, negative thougts, relationship doubts, suffering akaashi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:00:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27431641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NikAdair/pseuds/NikAdair
Summary: The thing with doubts, especially those that deal with relationships, is that even when you think you have them under control -- when you think you’ve safely locked them away -- they come back with the strength of a tsunami, washing over you with no remorse.-.-.-When Akaashi woke up that morning, he knew it was going to be a rough day. He woke up groggy and with a headache, and his body felt like lead. He didn’t want to get up, didn’t want to open his eyes, and the lack of warmth next to him solidified his want to just stay in bed, stay asleep. But more than that, his first thought when he woke up -- actually woke up -- was 'Why do they care?'
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou/Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Akaashi Keiji/Kozume Kenma, Akaashi Keiji/Kuroo Tetsurou, Bokuto Koutarou/Kozume Kenma
Series: You're My Forever Loves [19]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1864117
Comments: 6
Kudos: 161





	We'll Love You, Always

The thing with doubts, especially those that deal with relationships, is that even when you think you have them under control -- when you think you’ve safely locked them away -- they come back with the strength of a tsunami, washing over you with no remorse.

-.-.-

When Akaashi woke up that morning, he knew it was going to be a rough day. He woke up groggy and with a headache, and his body felt like lead. He didn’t want to get up, didn’t want to open his eyes, and the lack of warmth next to him solidified his want to just stay in bed, stay asleep. But more than that, his first thought when he woke up -- actually woke up -- was  _ Why do they care? _

It was unprompted, unwanted, something he hadn’t thought in months. Something he’d been so good about not thinking. But that was the thing with his thoughts. He didn’t have as much control over them as he thought he did. It’s why his second thought was  _ Why would they love you? _

Akaashi buried his face in the blanket, trying to will himself back to sleep. If he slept, then he wouldn’t be assaulted by these thoughts. These doubts. About his relationship. About himself. About everything. If he was asleep, then maybe it would hard reset his brain, pushing all the negativity out.

_ You’re pathetic, and they know it. _

He groaned, biting his lip. He didn’t want these thoughts. They made his chest feel tight, heavy. Made his stomach churn. Made his eyes burn with tears that would eventually fall. But most importantly, he lived with them now. Lived with Bokuto. With Kuroo. With Kenma. They would know something was wrong, and he knew he didn’t have a way to explain to them what was wrong.

_ It’s not like they’d care anyway. _

He’d be surprised at how quick he was to be in tears, but instead he was left shaking slightly, said tears already burning his eyes. Akaashi took a shuddering breath, telling himself that they were wrong, that the others did care.

_ Why would they care? _

“Kaashi? Are you awake?” Akaashi jumped at the feeling of a hand on his shoulder. “Kaashi?” It was Bokuto, of course he knew that. It wasn’t uncommon for him to wake Akaashi like that. On any normal day, it was one of his favourite ways to wake up. But today it felt like fire. He rolled away, burying himself further into the blanket.

“Kaashi, come on, it’s time to wake up,” Bokuto said, tugging on him, trying to roll him towards him. All it did was make something heavy sit in his stomach. Bokuto tried to pull him into a hug, trying to get him to sit up, and that’s what made something in Akaashi snap.

Akaashi sat up, scrambling away from Bokuto. There were tears in his eyes, making things blurrier than they already were, and there was a lump in his throat threatening to choke him. Bokuto looked at him with a slightly hurt look, his hand still outstretched towards him, and Akaashi blinked, suddenly on his feet. “Kaashi, are you okay?” Bokuto asked, worried.

He didn’t answer, instead slipping shoes on and grabbing his wallet, phone, and keys. Bokuto tried to stop him -- tried to grab him -- but Akaashi kept moving, half running out of the room. Tears started falling as he did, the heavy feeling in his stomach spreading to his chest.

_ You’re a freak, they won’t love you after this. _

More tears fell, and his chest started to burn. He felt like he couldn’t breathe, but he kept moving. Bokuto followed after him, calling his name, and it made him move faster. He was practically running when he passed the living room, briefly registering that Kuroo and Kenma were sitting on the couch.

“Kaashi? What’s wrong?” he heard Kenma ask. Instead of answering, he ran for the door, scrambling to open it. It felt like he was trapped, and everything in him was screaming to get out. To get away from them. From the people who couldn’t possibly love him. Not when they saw him like this.

It felt like an eternity before he got the door open, but once it was, he sprinted out it, sprinted down the hall. Behind him, he could hear Bokuto calling his name, could hear Kuroo and Kenma asking him what was wrong. But all Akaashi could focus on was what was in front of him. Turning this corner, running down these stairs, racing out these doors, until he was outside. He didn’t stop moving until he was in his car, breathing heavy, tears burning his cheeks.

_ They don’t love you. If they did, why didn’t they follow you? _

“Shut up. Shut up!!” Akaashi yelled, closing his eyes tight.

_ They don’t care. You’re just a burden to them. They’d be better off without you. _

“SHUT UP!!” His voice echoed off the inside of the car, startling him with how raw and ragged it was. Akaashi took a breath, calming himself enough to get the tears under control. He wiped his face on the edge of the hoodie he’d slept in, his chest tightening with the scent of Bokuto still lingering on it. But that was overtaken by the violent shiver that went through him as his body registered just how cold it was.

He started his car, not really thinking. He didn’t have a plan, just knew he had to get away from there. From their apartment. From them.

_ They’d be better off without you and you know it. _

Akaashi turned his radio on much louder than was necessary, trying to drown out the voice in his head. He drove, not really paying attention to where he was going, and wound up at the bookstore. It was almost empty, which wasn’t surprising. It was snowing after all.

He let out a bitter laugh, watching snowflakes hit his windshield and melting away. “Of course it’d be snowing today,” he muttered. He jumped when he felt his phone start buzzing. Kenma’s icon was on the screen, as well as several missed texts, and it made his chest tighten. He turned his phone off, waiting for his heart to stop feeling like it was going to explode before he got out of the car.

The scents of the bookstore washed over him as he walked in, and what should’ve been a comforting scent instead made his heart ache. He heard someone say hi to him, and he turned to see Konoha at the counter, waving at him lazily. He gave a small wave, moving quickly to avoid a conversation. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to talk without breaking down.

Akaashi made his way to the small coffee shop in the middle of the store, ordering a drink without really paying attention to what he ordered. He was stuck in his head. In the thoughts that kept attacking him. In the image of Bokuto looking at him with hurt in his eyes. In the way that no one came after him, and how that seemed to hurt more than anything. The barista handed him the cup and he gave her a quiet thank you before wandering through the store.

He ended up in the least visited section. It was a little dimmer than the rest of the shop, bookshelves blocking the light, but it was hidden away from the rest of the shop. Akaashi settled against the wall, closing his eyes and letting the warmth of his drink seep into his hands. He tried to focus on that, hoping it would melt away the darkness in his mind.

_ You’re a fool if you think that’ll work. Just like you’re a fool for thinking they actually loved you. _

Tears burned his eyes, and he tipped his head forward. They fell, a couple hitting his hands, burning like literal fire where they hit. He hated this. Hated thinking these things. Hated that he was starting to believe them. Why would they love him? There wasn’t anything special about him. Maybe they would be better off without him.

He cut himself off there, taking a long drink of his coffee. He choked a little, the sweetness washing over his mouth telling him that he hadn’t ordered his usual. Instead, he’d ordered Kuroo’s, and that brought with it another wave of tears and thoughts. He silently wished that Kuroo was there, but knew that they all had better things to do than deal with him. That thought made his chest feel heavy.

Anything was better than him.

Akaashi put his coffee on the floor next to him, bringing his knees to his chest. He buried his face in them, his tears soaking into his pants. He hugged his knees tightly, trying to focus on the slight burn the stretch brought with it. But it did little to pull him from his thoughts, and more tears fell.

He sat like that for a while, his phone constantly buzzing in his pocket while he cried, until he couldn’t cry anymore. Akaashi slowly stretched his legs out in front of him, his knees protesting. He took a shuddering breath, wiping his face, and pulled out his phone. There were several missed calls from Kenma and Bokuto, and even more missed texts from them. He swiped away their notifications.

He did, however, send Konoha a quick text, telling him that he was going to be in the back section for a while and that if he fell asleep, to not panic and think he was dead. Konoha sent a thumbs up emoji, and Akaashi put his phone back in his pocket. It wasn’t long before his exhaustion won out and he fell asleep.

-.-.-

Akaashi felt someone shaking him, and at first he thought he was at home and it was Bokuto waking him to eat. But then he remembered he was at the bookstore, that he’d fallen asleep there, and he pulled away, ready to punch whoever it was. He blinked his eyes, giving them a couple seconds to focus on who was in front of him, and saw Kuroo there, hands raised in defense.

“Kaashi, it’s okay, it’s just me,” he said, voice soft. Akaashi lowered his hand, taking a moment to process that Kuroo was there, and he instantly started panicking. He wasn’t supposed to be here. No one was. He wasn’t supposed to be found. No one was supposed to care.

“Hey, Kaashi, breathe,” Kuroo said, sinking down next to him. Akaashi watched him, trying to breathe like Kuroo had told him. Kuroo smiled a little, nudging his knee. It felt like fire, and Akaashi pulled away, pulling his knees to his chest.

They were silent for a minute, neither saying anything. Not that Akaashi could. There were too many thoughts swirling around his head, disconnected and broken, nothing making sense. He grasped at a thought, speaking without thinking.

“What are you doing here?”

Kuroo laughed, and Akaashi frowned, looking at him. “Sorry, it’s not funny. But you did ask a dumb question.” That made Akaashi frown more, and Kuroo smiled softly. “Why did you run off, Kaashi?”

The question threw him off. With everything that had happened, he hadn’t actually thought about  _ why _ he’d run. His only justification was that everything in him was telling him to leave. To get out. To get away. But that felt like an excuse, and a poor one at that.

“Did we do something?” Kuroo asked, voice much softer than it had. It made Akaashi’s thoughts freeze, mind suddenly blank. He looked at Kuroo, eyes burning with tears that threatened to fall with the thought that, no, they hadn’t done anything. That it wasn’t their fault. That he was the freak.

But nothing came out. Not because he didn’t want to say anything, but because he couldn’t Not without risking another breakdown. Instead, he looked away, burying his face in his knees.

“You know, when we first started dating -- all of us -- I was scared that I wasn’t going to fit into our group,” Kuroo said. Akaashi blinked, body frozen in place. “I thought that you and Bo had such a great dynamic, and that you and Kenma fit together so well, and of course Kenma and Bo had known each other as long as I’d known them, so of course they fit together perfectly. But I felt like the odd piece in our group.

“Or, I guess, I felt I didn’t fit well with you. Honestly, I was terrified that we wouldn’t click like we did with the others, and it would cause issues in our group. Make it so we wouldn’t work. That we’d have to choose between the four of us.” Kuroo cleared his throat, and Akaashi peered over at him. Kuroo was looking up, his eyes a little glassy. “I’m still scared that something like that will happen.”

Akaashi’s heart squeezed, the lump in his throat growing tighter. He kept quiet though, waiting for Kuroo to continue. “There are days where I think that maybe our group would be better without me. Not because I don’t love you all, but because I  _ do _ .” Kuroo let out a small laugh, shaking his head. “They say if you love something, to let it go, right? I would let you all go in a heartbeat if it meant you would all be happy.” His voice dropped to just above a whisper. “If it meant you all being happy without me.”

Kuroo shifted, taking a deep breath. “But it’s on those days that I remember all the days we laughed and smiled together. The nights we spent cuddled together in the living room watching bad movies while we threw popcorn at each other. The early mornings spent curled in bed under blankets, sharing each other’s warmth. Of all the ‘I love you’s shared between us. Cause that’s the thing.” Kuroo turned his head to look at him.

“I know that no matter what, you three will love me just as much as I love you.” Kuroo reached a hand out, resting it on Akaashi’s knee. “I will always love you. Those gross feelings are only temporary. But the love we have will always be here.”

Akaashi was moving before he knew he was, burying his face in Kuroo’s chest as tears fell. The only thing he could think was that Kuroo knew. Kuroo understood. And despite knowing, Kuroo still loved him. That thought made him cry harder, and Kuroo wrapped his arms around him.

“I’m not the only one, you know. Bo and Kenma will always love you, too. Even on the days where you think you don’t deserve us. Don’t deserve to be loved. They will always love you, and so will I,” Kuroo murmured, hugging him tightly. Akaashi couldn’t really do much except nod, the tears never stopping.

After a while, Akaashi pulled away, taking a few breaths to get the tears under control, and he wiped his face, looking down. “I’m sor--”

“Don’t say it,” Kuroo said, causing Akaashi to look up at him. “There’s nothing to apologize for. It’s not your fault.” Akaashi nodded, the tightness in his chest slowly starting to unravel. “We should be getting home, Bo and Kenma are worried about you.”

At that, Akaashi tensed, having completely forgotten that they would be worried. Kuroo laughed a little. “Don’t worry, it’s only because you ran out without a coat in the middle of winter.”

“Oh,” Akaashi said, voice quiet. He knew that wasn’t the real reason. That it was really that he’d run out with no explanation. But he also knew that Kuroo was saying that to get him to relax, and for that, he was thankful.

“Come on, let’s go home.” Akaashi nodded, letting Kuroo pull him to his feet. Kuroo took his hand, letting Akaashi lace their fingers together before leading them out of the bookstore. He started for his car, but Kuroo pulled them to his own. “We’ll come back for yours when the weather clears,” he said, jingling Akaashi’s keys in his free hand.

“When did you get those?” Akaashi said, trying to snatch them. Kuroo laughed, holding them over his head.

“They’d fallen from your pocket and I didn’t want you leaving them,” Kuroo said, turning a little to get a better vantage point. Akaashi reached up again, this time standing on his toes, and almost reached them. But right before he did, his foot slipped, and he fell into Kuroo, who had to take a few steps back to keep from falling into the snow behind him.

Akaashi looked up at him, face burning a little, and he laughed. It was small and a little broken, but it was still a laugh, and the smile Kuroo gave him made the knot in his chest loosen more. “I, uh--”

Kuroo righted them, and Akaashi looked away, not used to having someone there to pull him from his thoughts like this. Or really, just in general. He always tried to hide when things got like this. The knot in his chest loosened a little more with the thought of having someone there.

“Hello, earth to Kaashi. We’re going to freeze if we don’t move,” Kuroo said, pulling him from his thoughts. It was then that he realized just how cold he was, and he shivered a little. Kuroo shook his head, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and pulling him into his side. “And this is why we don’t leave without a coat.”

“Shut up,” Akaashi muttered, not giving Kuroo the pleasure of seeing him pout. Not that it did much, since Kuroo laughed anyway.

-.-.-

As soon as they walked through the door to their apartment, Akaashi’s stomach was in knots again. The entire ride home, he’d been avoiding thinking about what he’d say to Bokuto and Kenma. He didn’t think anything would be the ‘right thing’, and he felt like no matter what, he’d say the wrong thing.

He paused, frozen to the spot, and Kuroo nudged him. “Hey, it’s okay. They aren’t mad. They just want to know you’re okay,” he whispered. Akaashi nodded, taking a breath. He let Kuroo walk ahead of him, steeling himself for the worst.

What he wasn’t expecting was for Bokuto to almost jump off the couch. The only thing that kept him from doing exactly that was Kenma’s hand on his thigh. Akaashi could see the red ringing Bokuto’s eyes, and it made something twist in his chest. “Kaashi?” Bokuto said, voice quiet.

It made something in him twist and snap, and Akaashi surged forward, practically tackling Bokuto in a hug. Tears he didn’t know had formed started to fall, and Bokuto wrapped him in a tight hug, holding him close. He heard Kenma ask Kuroo if he was alright, but Kuroo didn’t say anything.

Not that Akaashi would’ve been able to hear it. His own crying was drowning out everything else, and he could just barely hear Bokuto telling him it was okay. That everything was alright. He felt Kuroo and Kenma hug him, and enveloped by the warmth of everyone, the knot in his chest started to loosen again.

“I love you guys, so freaking much,” Akaashi said, not really sure if anyone could hear him.

“We love you too, Kaashi,” Kuroo murmured, tightening his hold on him.

“We always will,” Kenma said, squirming under Kuroo and Bokuto’s arms to bury himself into Akaashi’s chest.

“There’s no way we wouldn’t,” Bokuto said, kissing the top of his head.

Akaashi bit his lip, feeling more tears forming. But instead of them being sad tears, they were happy tears. Hearing that they loved him -- would always love him -- made the darkness in his head start to recede. Only a little, but enough to let him believe what they said.

They loved him, and that was something he needed to hear. Would probably always need to hear. He knew they’d always remind him of it. And he loved them all the more for it.

**Author's Note:**

> So, full honestly, I may have projected onto Akaashi a little too much. The thoughts he has about his relationship with the others are all things that I've thought about myself in my own, and I tried to capture those feelings as best I could. So hopefully they came across well. I also wanted to use Kuroo as the kind of boyfriend I wish I'd had -- the kind who understands (or at least tries to) what those thoughts and feelings are like and says the things that I wish I'd heard when I had them myself.  
> Plus this seemed like the perfect AkaKuro fic idea, so I had to jump on the chance to write it.  
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this installment of 'You're My Forever Loves'!


End file.
